Group 1: Tier 1 school 1. Yale Law School Top GPA and LSAT scores aren’t enough to get you into Yale. If youaren’t a woman or minority, you also have to demonstrate the properpolitical attitude and/or same sex partner in the super important essaysection on the application. Application essays include “Name fivethings you would change about Republicans”, and “Name some virtues ofthe Cuban and North Korean legal system”. As for clubs, there is awomen’s soccer team (Lesbians!!!!), an Asian Pacific Law StudentsAssociation (where one can complain about the white man), a Black LawStudents Association (where one can complain about the Asian PacificLaw Students Association), “FeedChicago”, a program to feed the bumsand whinos of Chicago with scraps of food rummaged from the trash cansoutside the school cafeteria, the Latino Law Students Association(working with the Chilupa Law Caucus), the Law Women’s Caucus (whichmeets in conjunction with the women’s soccer team—heh heh), the Women’sMentoring Program (because, as we know, women are emotionally fragileand in special need of mentoring), “Outlaw”, a place for lesbians tohave their orgies with style and dignity, and a typical do-goodersgroup that mentors crackhead kids before they get old enough to committheir first crimes, working at soup kitchens (where the smell of soupis seldom the first thing you’ll smell). 2. Stanford Law School You need skyhighgpas and LSAT’s to get into Stanford (unless you have the right skincolor or gender or sexual partner), so only the elite few get in.Despite a $15 billion dollar endowment students have to pay the $40,000a year tuition on their own (if you don’t have the right physicalcharacteristics, you better be rich!). The school has the gaul to askfor ‘donations’ for $200 million more for frivilous projects it couldeasily fund itself. Excuse me, but there are some countries that don’thave $15 billion budgets but have more pressing priorities than coffeestations in the school libraries. The median salary for graduates is$135,000, but that figure is dragged down by those in jail and mentalasylums. 98% of students get jobs within 9 months of graduation (the 9month figure includes those getting a joint M.R.S. degree). 3. Havard Law School Some good news, and some bad news: First the bad: Harvard $23 billionendowment is not used to defray one penny of the $30,000 a year tuitionthat you’re overcharged for. Now the good: if you work for a leftistsgroup after you graduate (helping criminals, terrorists, abortionists,etc.), Harvard will subsidize your salary as part of the LIPP program(Low Intelligence Pretentious Practicioners). The Harvard Law Schoolapplication asks the usual questions, such as ‘Have you ever beenconvicted of a felony’ (answering yes will almost guarantee youadmission) and ‘Have you ever attended law school’ (If yes, you have toexplain why you want to do it twice), and male, non-minority studentsare required to provide a transcript of their college grades and gpa.Those receiving the Barak Obama scholarship will receive free tuition,books, boarding, and a small but steady supply of cocaine. 4. New York University School of Law NYU Law School is proud to report that 110% of graduates found jobswithin one year of graduation (the employment rate counts those whowere fired and found jobs again) with generous salaries, except thosecrazy enough to work for commie groups or brown nose a judge. NYU LawSchool has a ‘battered women’s project’ where female law students makebread and cake dough, an Asia Pacific Law Student’s Asociation, forstudents who would much rather be somewhere else, a Canadian LawStudent Association (to help raise self-esteem), a ‘Cuba Legal StudiesGroup’ to study what Castro has done for civil procedure, a ‘HighSchool Law Project’ who puts crackhead kids on mock trial to scare themstraight, a Latino Law Student’s assocation, to study how the lawaffects salsa dancing, a ‘Law Student Drug Policy Forum’ to, withoutadvocating the use of illegal drugs, find ways to advocate illegaldrugs, ‘Law Students Against the Death Penalty’, consisting of studentswho volunteer to take the place of murderers on death row, ‘Outlaw’, anassocation of lesbian and guywannabes, who discuss legal issues andhave group orgies, a ‘Prisoner’s Rights and Education Project’, whicheducates prisoners on how to manufacture shenks and select and dominatea mate, and the ‘Unemployment Action Center’, which lobbies for welfarefor those who prefer not to work for a living. 5. Columbia Law School In addition to the application essay, students appying to Columbia LawSchool are encouraged to submit other things as well, such as a’diversity statement’ (such as ‘I’m Puerto Rican! Let me in!’ or ‘I mayhave checked the white guy box, but my girlfriend is a shetlandpon--does that help?’), and ‘explanations of undergraduate and/or LSATperformance’ (they mean, explanations of POOR performance---how do youexplain away poor performance? ‘I was one of the less fortunate whodidn’t learn hard work and study skills until later in life’).International students are encouraged to apply, but must demonstrate atleast a taxi-driver level knowledge of pidgeon English in the personalessay (such as ‘Me do so good here, me make you very happy, Joe.’). Onthe application, you are asked if you ever served in the military(unless you are gay, better to check no), and have you ever beenconvicted of a crime (violent crimes will get you in; white collarcrimes won’t).Last year 382 students matriculated, but only 170 ofthose menstruated. Two thirds of the entering class at Columbia LawSchool have taken time off after college to fulfill professional or’family’ responsibilies (doing it with the chicks!). 99% of graduates were employed within five years after graduation,which is all the more impressive considering the schools’s well knownpost-graduate suicide rate. 80% of graduates become slaves in lawfirms, 15% become brown nosers for judges, 6% work for communistorganizations, and 1% look for the tallest building to leap offof.Columbia requires all law students to engage in a mandatory 40 hoursof pro boner work in order to graduat--involuntary servitude is aliveand well at Columbia Law School! To graduate, you must also spend 5hours a month scrubbing the Professors’ restroom with your toothbrush.Columbia has a sexuality and gender law clinic to represent indigentstrippers and madames as well as guys who want to become girls, andvice versa. 6. Boalt Hall Law School Berkeley Tuition at Berkeley Boalt Hall is only $37000 ($12.95 if you’re aresident), the median GPA of entering students is 3.78 out of 4.0, (5.2 if you’re Asian), ‘Students of Color’ are 33% of the student body;’Students of Color darker than beige’ are 5% of the student body. 57%of the entering class are women, and 24% of those are engaged ormarried to each other. The application asks whether you’re a residentof California, but not whether you’re a legal resident of America. Inthe personal statement essay you can describe how you overcame’linguistic barriers’ (have they put those up on the border with Mexicotoo?), and how belong to a culturally disadvantaged family makes youentitled to go to Berkeley with low grades (what is a culturallydisadvantaged family’one that drinks themselves into a stupor and bangstheir heads against the wall?). On the most important question, whatrace you are, Berkeley asks not only if you’re an American Indian, but what tribe you belong to (do you think the quota for Apaches is higherthan that for the Mayans?). Other categories you can check are Chicano,Latino, Hispanic, and Gloria Estefan-ish. Creative Writing expert Earl Warren was a graduate, as was Howard Stern and Saddam Hussein. 97% ofgraduates are employed (if you count those driving taxis and pushinghot dog carts), the median salary is $135,000, 70% of graduates becomeslaves in law schools, 10% work for the local communist party, and theremaining 20% learn how to surf and become ‘Berkeley Tobacco Farmers’.