[INFO] Admissions & Graduate Salaries of American Law Schools

Discussion in 'University/Department Information' started by ., Jun 30, 2007.

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    . Láska je všude kolem

    Group 1: Tier 1 school

    1. Yale Law School

    Top GPA and LSAT scores aren’t enough to get you into Yale. If you
    aren’t a woman or minority, you also have to demonstrate the properpolitical attitude and/or same sex partner in the super important essaysection on the application. Application essays include Name fivethings you would change about Republicans, and Name some virtues ofthe Cuban and North Korean legal system. As for clubs, there is awomen’s soccer team (Lesbians!!!!), an Asian Pacific Law StudentsAssociation (where one can complain about the white man), a Black LawStudents Association (where one can complain about the Asian PacificLaw Students Association), FeedChicago, a program to feed the bumsand whinos of Chicago with scraps of food rummaged from the trash cansoutside the school cafeteria, the Latino Law Students Association(working with the Chilupa Law Caucus), the Law Women’s Caucus (whichmeets in conjunction with the women’s soccer team—heh heh), the Women’sMentoring Program (because, as we know, women are emotionally fragileand in special need of mentoring), Outlaw, a place for lesbians tohave their orgies with style and dignity, and a typical do-goodersgroup that mentors crackhead kids before they get old enough to committheir first crimes, working at soup kitchens (where the smell of soupis seldom the first thing you’ll smell).

    2. Stanford Law School

    You need skyhighgpas and LSAT’s to get into Stanford (unless you have the right skincolor or gender or sexual partner), so only the elite few get in.Despite a $15 billion dollar endowment students have to pay the $40,000a year tuition on their own (if you don’t have the right physicalcharacteristics, you better be rich!). The school has the gaul to askfor ‘donations’ for $200 million more for frivilous projects it couldeasily fund itself. Excuse me, but there are some countries that don’thave $15 billion budgets but have more pressing priorities than coffeestations in the school libraries. The median salary for graduates is$135,000, but that figure is dragged down by those in jail and mentalasylums. 98% of students get jobs within 9 months of graduation (the 9month figure includes those getting a joint M.R.S. degree).

    3. Havard Law School

    Some good news, and some bad news: First the bad: Harvard $23 billion
    endowment is not used to defray one penny of the $30,000 a year tuitionthat you’re overcharged for. Now the good: if you work for a leftistsgroup after you graduate (helping criminals, terrorists, abortionists,etc.), Harvard will subsidize your salary as part of the LIPP program(Low Intelligence Pretentious Practicioners). The Harvard Law Schoolapplication asks the usual questions, such as ‘Have you ever beenconvicted of a felony’ (answering yes will almost guarantee youadmission) and ‘Have you ever attended law school’ (If yes, you have toexplain why you want to do it twice), and male, non-minority studentsare required to provide a transcript of their college grades and gpa.Those receiving the Barak Obama scholarship will receive free tuition,books, boarding, and a small but steady supply of cocaine.

    4. New York University School of Law

    NYU Law School is proud to report that 110% of graduates found jobs
    within one year of graduation (the employment rate counts those whowere fired and found jobs again) with generous salaries, except thosecrazy enough to work for commie groups or brown nose a judge. NYU LawSchool has a ‘battered women’s project’ where female law students makebread and cake dough, an Asia Pacific Law Student’s Asociation, forstudents who would much rather be somewhere else, a Canadian LawStudent Association (to help raise self-esteem), a ‘Cuba Legal StudiesGroup’ to study what Castro has done for civil procedure, a ‘HighSchool Law Project’ who puts crackhead kids on mock trial to scare themstraight, a Latino Law Student’s assocation, to study how the lawaffects salsa dancing, a ‘Law Student Drug Policy Forum’ to, withoutadvocating the use of illegal drugs, find ways to advocate illegaldrugs, ‘Law Students Against the Death Penalty’, consisting of studentswho volunteer to take the place of murderers on death row, ‘Outlaw’, anassocation of lesbian and guywannabes, who discuss legal issues andhave group orgies, a ‘Prisoner’s Rights and Education Project’, whicheducates prisoners on how to manufacture shenks and select and dominatea mate, and the ‘Unemployment Action Center’, which lobbies for welfarefor those who prefer not to work for a living.

    5. Columbia Law School

    In addition to the application essay, students appying to Columbia LawSchool are encouraged to submit other things as well, such as a’diversity statement’ (such as ‘I’m Puerto Rican! Let me in!’ or ‘I mayhave checked the white guy box, but my girlfriend is a shetlandpon--does that help?’), and ‘explanations of undergraduate and/or LSATperformance’ (they mean, explanations of POOR performance---how do youexplain away poor performance? ‘I was one of the less fortunate whodidn’t learn hard work and study skills until later in life’).International students are encouraged to apply, but must demonstrate atleast a taxi-driver level knowledge of pidgeon English in the personalessay (such as ‘Me do so good here, me make you very happy, Joe.’). Onthe application, you are asked if you ever served in the military(unless you are gay, better to check no), and have you ever beenconvicted of a crime (violent crimes will get you in; white collarcrimes won’t).Last year 382 students matriculated, but only 170 ofthose menstruated. Two thirds of the entering class at Columbia LawSchool have taken time off after college to fulfill professional or’family’ responsibilies (doing it with the chicks!).

    99% of graduates were employed within five years after graduation,which is all the more impressive considering the schools’s well knownpost-graduate suicide rate. 80% of graduates become slaves in lawfirms, 15% become brown nosers for judges, 6% work for communistorganizations, and 1% look for the tallest building to leap offof.Columbia requires all law students to engage in a mandatory 40 hoursof pro boner work in order to graduat--involuntary servitude is aliveand well at Columbia Law School! To graduate, you must also spend 5hours a month scrubbing the Professors’ restroom with your toothbrush.Columbia has a sexuality and gender law clinic to represent indigentstrippers and madames as well as guys who want to become girls, andvice versa.

    6. Boalt Hall Law School Berkeley

    Tuition at Berkeley Boalt Hall is only $37000 ($12.95 if you’re aresident), the median GPA of entering students is 3.78 out of 4.0, (5.2 if you’re Asian), ‘Students of Color’ are 33% of the student body;’Students of Color darker than beige’ are 5% of the student body. 57%of the entering class are women, and 24% of those are engaged ormarried to each other. The application asks whether you’re a residentof California, but not whether you’re a legal resident of America. Inthe personal statement essay you can describe how you overcame’linguistic barriers’ (have they put those up on the border with Mexicotoo?), and how belong to a culturally disadvantaged family makes youentitled to go to Berkeley with low grades (what is a culturallydisadvantaged family’one that drinks themselves into a stupor and bangstheir heads against the wall?). On the most important question, whatrace you are, Berkeley asks not only if you’re an American Indian, but what tribe you belong to (do you think the quota for Apaches is higherthan that for the Mayans?). Other categories you can check are Chicano,Latino, Hispanic, and Gloria Estefan-ish. Creative Writing expert Earl Warren was a graduate, as was Howard Stern and Saddam Hussein. 97% ofgraduates are employed (if you count those driving taxis and pushinghot dog carts), the median salary is $135,000, 70% of graduates becomeslaves in law schools, 10% work for the local communist party, and theremaining 20% learn how to surf and become ‘Berkeley Tobacco Farmers’.
     
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    . Láska je všude kolem

    Group 2: Tier 2 school

    7. Vanderbilt Law School

    It costs nearly $60,000 a year in tuition and expenses to attendVanderbilt Law School. Better have the checkbook ready. 3600 applicantsapply for 200 spots, but only 300 applicants have a high school diplomaand know their letters and numbers, a rarity in Tennessee. The medianGPA is .5, and the median LSAT is 2. On the application for VanderbiltLaw School, instead of the usual checkboxes to check your race andsexual preferences, you are invited to write about any `diversitycharacteristics` you would like to provide (do you have freckles? Areyou very tall? Unusually perky breasts?) 90% of graduates get jobs atmodest salariers, but 90% of those jobs are in and around Nashville(other states won`t recognize the Tennessee bar exam because testtakers are still permitted to fill it out with crayons and drawings).The school has four legal journals (that`s a lot for a southernschool!) including the Journal of Risk and Uncertainty (mainly talkingabout job prospects after graduation).

    8. University of Virginia Law School

    60 graduates at the University of Virginia Law School got clerkshipslast year, but most of those were with the Department of MotorVehicles. The University of Virginia Law School law library has morethan 890,000 volume in it, and more than 500,000 of those are not comicbooks. The median GPA is 1.0, and the LSAT, well, if you spell yourname correctly, you can get into the University of Virginia Law School.There are 5000 applicants for 400 spots, but most applicants have nameslike `Cooter` and `Uncle Jesse` and barely know their letters. Tuitionis $35,000, but can be paid for with chickens and hogs. UVa. is thirdnationally in the number of alumni who are chairpersons and managingpartners at law firms nationwide Unfortunately, most of those areone-person law firms. The National Law Journal found that University ofVirginia Law School graduates were the top choices for law firms inCharlottesville, Mayberry, and Hazzard County. 95% of graduates gotjobs, and only 20% of those involved pumping gas or working inconvenience stores. Senator Teddy Kennedy went to UVA (obviously,cheating is permitted), as did `Cooter` from the Dukes of Hazzard.

    9. USC Gould School of Law

    While GPA and LSAT scores are theoretically required, USC Law Schooltakes an increasing number of students from auto repair colleges,bartender schools, and bus depots. Tuition is a bargain at ONLY $40,000a year (of course, you`ll need $20,000 more for room and surfboard).90% of graduates pass the bar (out of the 10% who take it), and 96%have jobs after graduation, 30% of which are in the legal field (therest harvest fruit seasonally while returning to Tijuana for the restof the year). What`s the surest sign that a law school is second rate?When they misuse a legal term on their own application! At the end ofthe USC Law School application, you are told to sign it, with thewarning that if you lie, you do so under `penalty of perjury``but guesswhat, perjury only applies to proceedings in court, not in informationstatements between third parties. Perhaps the USC Law School should geta lawyer from a real law school, such as Harvard or Yale, to look overtheir application information. The application also asks the usualintrusive racial question, but with an addition (`Check here if youdon`t mind if we adjust your chances of admissions based on the colorof your skin and/or your sexual partner`).

    10. University of Texas Austin Law School

    More than 5000 applicants compete for 500 spots at Texas Law School,but only 400 of those applicants are functually literate`you only needa GPA of 2.2 and a warm pulse to get in (LSATs, it was found,discriminated against the `thinking impaired`). While Texas Law Schooldoes discriminate in favor of minorities and women, it`s shocking tolearn it doesn`t give equal special preferences to lesbians`that meansthey have to get in on merit, just like the white guys (how horrible!).Tuition, fees and expenses are $50,000 a year for non-residents,$20,000 if you`re a legal resident of Texas, and $1.95 if you`re anillegal immigrant. Students from 29 states are represnted at Texas LawSchool, but 14 of those states are in Mexico. The average startingsalary is $70,000 (2.4 million pesos). Over 90% of those who take thebar pass it (actually, the bar exam in Tijuana has a 110% pass rate).Over 70% of graduates become slaves in law firms; 20% work in bars andcafes, and the remaining 10% become `coyotes` (kind of like immigrationlawyers).

    11. University of Michigan Law School

    In an applicant`s personal statement for the University of Michigan LawSchool they want the applicant to talk about factors inspiring him toget a legal education (the enormous salary? The fascinating work? Thegreat law firm work environment?), and any disadvantages you`ve met (amugger on the street? Lack of affirmative action points to cover badgrades?). You can also choose to write additional essays, on topicssuch as `What do you have to offer to Michigan` (Answer: $60,000 a yearin tuition and board, extra money for professors when they assign theirown textbooks), `What do you think Michigan has to offer you?` (Answer:As much as Harvard or Yale, only a little less), `If you do not thinkyour GPA or LSATS reflect your ability, explain why` (If you`re not aminority or lesbian, fictional child abuse stories might work; perhapsa bad experience with crack might too), and `How might you enhance thediversity of our student body` (If you`re not a lesbian or a minority,talk about how you were raised in a coal mine in West Virginia). Theschool receives 6000 applications for 360 spots, but don`t despair,only 200 of those applicants have GPA`s over 3.0. 90% of graduates ofthe University of Michigan Law School went to work as galley slaves inlaw firms; the remaining 10% get fine jobs in the short range fooddelivery industry (with great salaries!).

    12. George Washington University Law School


    10,000 students applied for 550 spots at George Washington UniversityLaw School, but only 700 applicants were really serious about it. It`snot easy getting into a second tier law school`both a GPA and LSATscores are required. (GWU says it will consider students with LSAT`s of120! They must be desperate). The school also has an evening programyou can apply for, although that program has a significant attritionrate as students travel through the city at night. The GWU applicationasks the tremendously important question about your skin color, andthen adds the quizical phrase, that the Civil Rights Act of 1964 forcesthem to ask this question. Imagine that! The law school doesn`t want toseparate people by race, but the Civil Rights Act forces them to! Funnythat no other law school takes that position. Does the Civil Rights Actof 1964 also force them to use different standards for different racesand genders? At the end of the application they warn you in threedifferent ways not to lie on your application; this is an applicationto law school; do they really have to warn people so much not to lie(after all, don`t they usually learn how after they graduate and workfor law firms?). Tuition and attendance fees at George WashingtonUniversity Law School are only $60,000 a year. Quite a bargain, if youcan max out your credit cards to that extent! 55% of graduates fromGeorge Washington University Law School end up as slaves in private lawfirms (with modest salaries they seldom have time to spend), 20% workfor government (though which government is not clear), and theremaining 25% are either MIA or KIA (remember, this is D.C.).

    Equality, however, is not unfortunately uniformity. A regime of dependence with liberty. The equal dignity owed to all seeks respect for the right the differences in the identity of each person. It is in absolute respect for the right to be different that we find authentic equality and the only possibility of the full enjoyment of human rights without racial, sexual or religious discrimination.
     
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    . Láska je všude kolem

    Group 3: Tier 3 school

    13. Boston University Law School

    6000 students compete for only 275 spots, but only 400 of those 6000students have graduated high school, so it`s really not that difficultto get into the Boston University Law School. Even if you have lousygrades you can convince them to let you in by showing that you haveovercome `social obstacles` (Were you widely disliked by a lot of yourpeers? Write about it in your law school essay!) The application isvery weird, with one very obvious and glaring omission`there are nocheckbox options to show your race and sexual preference. How is theadmissions committee supposed to evaulate your GPA and LSAT scoreswithout reference to your race and sexual preference? Not to worry, youhave an opportunity to submit an optional essay to your `ethnic andcultural background` that is relevant to your application (as if yourethnicity should ever be relevant for applying for anything). You don`thave to write much, a simple, `I was making tortillas for the SpanishClub` or `I helped pass out tongue depressors on Lesbian Awareness Day`will cue the admissions officers into your situation. The applicationalso requires that you give the Boston University Law School permissionto spank you`if you submit false information, you have to agree inadvanace to let them discipline you (can you imagine, lying on the lapof the butch dean with your underwear at your ankles while she paddlesyou as all the 1L`s watch? Better be honest on your application!) 90%of Boston University Law School students have jobs when they graduate;the other 10% are put up in a special dorm, where, week after week, oneof them is voted off the campus until the last remaining reject gets ajob as assistant photocopier for the dean. 65% of graduates becomeslaves to law firms with modest salaries; the rest work for thegovernment (though it is not clear which government). Only 84% ofstudents pass the bar, which is stunning, considering only 18% ofstudents take it in the first place. The school has a 92% rate ofretention`the other 8% either go mad or jump off the administrationbuilding just prior to exam day. The school offers joint degrees withPhilosophy (double unemployed), Historic Preservation (doubleunemployed), and Health Care Management (unemployed, unless you want tobe a Filipino nurse). The school has a study abroad program in China, acountry which has no law, only the dictat of the communist party (goodtraining if you want to go into democratic party politics).

    14. Cornell Law School

    The faculty to student ratio at Cornell Law School is among the lowest,11 to 1, (now multiply the first number by four to find the teachingfaculty to student ratio), 98% are employed within 6 years ofgraduation (year 5 is crunch time), 70% of graduates get jobs as lawfirm slaves; 20% work for the ACLU and Sex Workers Anonymous, and 10%can`t find their way home from the Finger Lakes Region. 188 Studentsapply for 4100 spots in the law school. The median GPA is 3.7 (but youget an extra 1.5 if you write a really, really convincing sob story inyour personal essay`see what an idiot you were wasting your time to getgood grades in school?), and 24% of students identify themselves asminorities (but at Cornell, people with brains do as well).

    15. Duke Law School

    The required GPA is 1.0, and the LSAT, well, if you spell your namecorrectly, you can get into Duke Law School. On the Duke Law Schoolapplication, one of the very first things they ask you is what race youare (so they know immediately which pile to put your application on).The school also asks for your previous educational history, leavingspace to indicate if you made it through high school or not and if sowhich community college you attended. In addition to the personal essay(which will be read quite impersonally by a committee of busybodies),you can submit a `diversity` essay in case nothing screams loudlyenough on your application that you are in one of the preferredcategories: minority, female, etc` but no where do they ask if you area lesbian! Duke is one of the few schools that does not explicitly givepreference to lesbians or transvestites, only engaging in minor reverseracism. How backwards and reactionary! No wonder this school is in thedeep south. 65% of graduates of Duke Law School become slaves in lawfirms; 20% become concubines to judges; and the other 15% stay localand become inbred redneck mountain people. 95% of graduates get jobs,but 94% of those are in rural North Carolina, often milking cows andbailing hay (not the greatest salaries).

    16. Emory Law School

    A majority of students at Emory Law School are girls! That means menare a MINORITY`just think of all the benefits that entitles them to!(Just kidding!) The median LSAT score of applicants was 12, the medianGPA 1.5. 27% of students are `students of color`, but they don`t saywhich color or break it down into percentages with a color wheel. Thestudent to faculty ratio is 1-14, and the student to cotton field ratiois 1-12 (very important to know during harvest months). Each year thelaw school admits 230 students, from about 230 applicants. 60% ofgraduates get jobs in law firm, and the rest, ah, get jobs inagricultural harvesting management, with suitable salaries. Emory LawSchool recently opened a law library with over four shelves, and is inthe process of working on getting books to fill it, mostlyhand-me-downs from prison law libraries. Tuition is nearly $40,000 ayear (that`s a lot of cotton). On the tremendously important ethnicityquestion on the Emory Law School application form, there`s an unusualcategory, not just for American Indian, but `Canadian Aboriginal`; justhow many 5000 old thawed Canadian Neanderthals do you think apply toEmory every year? And there is no checkbox for lesbians! What anoutrage, to only give preference on the basis of race and sex! Butdon`t worry, in the personal statement you are invited to give any`unusual aspects` of your background that would add to diversity atEmory. (In Georgia, I think lesbians are still `unusual aspects`.) Youare also invited to talk about cultural and social factors that wereobstacles for you (Can you say, `I have low grades because I come froma culture where it was cool to be stupid?`)

    17. UCLA Law School

    UCLA Law School has 6,000 applicants, admits 1000, and accepts about300; that means more than two out of every three people who getaccepted to UCLA Law School don`t want to go there! (Maybe they shouldaim for students with lower LSAT scores and GPAs who will go there`.)Tuition at UCLA Law School is only $38,000 a year, plus a $500materials fee for the Institute on Sexual Orientation (for dildos,vibrators, and declawed gerbils). Petco scholarships are available forthose unable to afford the materials fee. 75% of graduates are slavesin law firms (with great salaries!); 15% sue the white man orheterosexual people for a living, and the remaining 10% becomeunemployed actors.

    18. University of Chicago Law School

    The University of Chicago Law School lets you apply using the earlydecision process, so you hear back before other schools--but if you doapply early decision and get in, and then turn down the law school togo somewhere more prestigious, you have to cut off your weiner and mailit in to the law school (males only--women have to cut off and sendtheir nipples). Male body parts are donated for penile cell research.You can also apply for the LLM degree if you`re a foreigner or retardedAmerican; you only need to be able to speak a few words of English,such as `You bring me to law school, me make you very happy, Joe!`. Theschool has the `Quarter` system, where disobedient and caucasianstudents are reguarly whipped at the whim of the professors. You canalso apply for a joint degree at the University of Chicago Law School,so that when you find out that the practice of law really sucks, youhave another profession that you can escape to. Tuition is a bargain atonly $38,000 a year (assuming you don`t eat or spend money on textbooksand you live like a homeless person).

    72% of graduates of the University of Chicago Law School become slavesin law firms, 20% work for the communist party/ACLU or their manysubsidiaries, and 8% get sex change operations and become Hollywoodactors. The starting salary is about what you`d expect, and 350employers come for on-campus interviews`but most of those are barslooking for waiters.

    19. University of Pennsylvania Law School

    On the application the University of Pennsylvania Law School askswhether you are a lesbian or transgendered person. This is naturallyvery important for the law school to take into consideration becausewho you sleep with or whether you have surgically mutilated yourselfcan get yourself bonus points in the admissions process. In fact, inthe optional essay section you are invited to describe how being alesbian or a transvestite will enrich the law school (are they lookingfor women who say they will have steamy kissing sessions with anothergirl in public?). Another optional essay question: `If you do not thinkyour GPA or LSATS reflect your ability, explain why` (If you`re not aminority or lesbian, fictional child abuse stories might work; perhapsa bad experience with crack might too). Do you think they bother toread the application, or just skip directly to the optional essays? Youcan be given an offer to the University of Pennsylvania Law School, orput on a wait list; and if enough passionate lesbians turn down theschool, you may still get an offer. Tuition is only $40,000 a year, andother expenses only $17,000, but it`s a bargain, to live in such asexually diverse law school in the middle of the urban ghetto! Theschool had 6000 applicants for 250 spots, which is impressive, untilyou realize that 5000 of those applicants were from Philadelphia andthe Jersey suburbs. The median LSAT was 170 (220 for white guys), themedian GPA 3.7 (5.2 for white guys), and 35% of the entering class were`students of color` (and 20% of those were orange or purple). 70% ofgraduates become slaves in law firms, with commesurate salaries, 10%become concubines for judges, and the rest are casualties of thePhiladelphia ghetto.

    20. University of Minnesota Law School

    Tuition is $30,000, but you can save $500 if you bring your own skisand snowshoes. Each class has 270 students who have very impressiveLSAT`s and GPA`s (impressive for people who have recently sufferedbrain damage). The school has an institute on Race and Poverty, whichstudies how to blame it all on the white man, and an institute on Lawand Rationality, which is constantly in contradiction with itself. 99%of graduates of the University of Minnesota Law School get jobs, 55%work as slaves in law firms, 20% get clerkships (usually with the localDMV), and the rest work in the burgeoning snow and ski industry thatmakes Minnesota the #1 cold place in the country. 99% of studentspassed the bar, which is impressive, given that on any given year onlyabout 60% cheat. The school has only an $85 million dollar endowment,so although it has a lot of women professors, it`s not very wellendowed. The faculty is ranked 11th in the country (only ten lawschools are better!) In the application`s standard `What is yourethnicity` question is the statement telling applicants that if theywant their ethnicity considered in their application (!) to write anapplication telling how their cultural heritage is relevant to theirapplication (this is an application to law school, not storytellingtime at the museum`how can cultural heritage be relevant to being alawyer????). In your personal statement, you should write why you areapplying to the University of Minnesota Law School (tip: not a goodidea to write `Because my scores aren`t higher` or `I need a really,really safe safety school`), to explain any `interruptions` in yourcollege education (this is a standard part of the essay? Do a lot ofwacked out drunken college dropouts apply to the University ofMinnesota Law School?), and they want you to explain any facts thatmight warrant special consideration (Alcoholic? Anti-social? BadBreath? Think of what will garner the most sympathy).
     

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